I’ve always wanted a guide to how best to show off my cleavage in the workplace, and the powers that be have finally led me to that holy grail. Behold!
This is an absolutely vital potted guide to how your breasts (those squidgy thingies attached to ladies’ front parts, for the uninitiated) can make or break your entire image!
Women’s breasts are vital in getting men to take one seriously. If your breasts are the wrong size, kiss goodbye to any hope of being respected in the workplace.
“
“A recent study showed men photos of women in a workplace with large breasts showing cleavage, medium breasts and small breasts. When asked about who looked most professional and personable, the men chose the women with medium-sized breasts,” she said.
“You don’t have to be flat-chested to be taken seriously,” she added. “You just have to be proportionate. For women who are small busted, that may mean a little padding. For well-endowed women, that may mean a minimizer.” “
If the day ever comes where I decide on a padded bra to make my boss think I am more professional, I will shoot myself in the fucking head.
Why don’t we have a guide to cock-manipulation skills for men? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way.
“Guys, if you want women to take you more seriously in the workplace, it’s important to think of your package. We showed three pictures of David Brent to some drunken admin assistants in Wetherspoons. In the first, we’d digitally altered his picture to appear he had no cock at all. In the second, we did not edit his nethers. In the third, we made it appear that his trouser-snake was so massive and bulbous that it would make a hosepipe cry tears of shame. The unanimous preference was for the second picture, as the first picture gave our sample creepy flashbacks to childhood and the third caused them to experience simultaneous orgasms, which would unavoidably slow their typing speed.
For those less loved by nature, this may mean wearing a discreet pair of socks in your Y-fronts. For those well-endowed gents, this may mean tying your knob around your leg, wearing a vibrant tie to distract attention from your manhood or considering transsexuality.”
Even the soundbites are disturbing (even the soundbites?)
“If cleavage isn’t in your job description, don’t put it in.”
“Your children should not have to compete with your cleavage for attention.”
“During pregnancy you should celebrate your breasts.”
[The rest of the time you should hate and revile them.]
“You really have to use your breast power responsibly“
Do you know, sometimes you hear women say “We’ve come so far.” Then someone publishes a book on how to get men to like you better by adjusting your breast size so you don’t upset them, and you think “We really kind of…haven’t.”
Wow! Good thing the professional women of the world have ABC around to help us figure out how to dress – I just bought a new bustier to wear to work next week, but I guess in light of this article I’ll stick to button-down shirts. And breasts of appropriate size, of course.
Seriously, that is some wacky shit.
You bought a bustier? To wear at work? Don’t you know that men only respect women with medium-sized, well covered breasts?
They’ll only respect you at night, with an attitude like that. Sheesh!
I’m happy that you’ve decided to stick to appropriately-sized breasts, though. That’s one step along the primrose path to male approval, love and honour, without which, the world would stop turning.
Pah, I can’t see what’s wrong with the article. Methinks that you women don’t really know your place! Everybody knows that the raison d’etre of women is to be visually pleasing to men.
But if you don’t tell us what your preference is, how can Ms Phonecord and I adjust ourselves suitably?
We need to know whether the padded bra or the minimiser is called for, this being night where I am but not night where she is, not the workplace, pregnancy is not the issue and this is not a kids’ football game.
Should “the girls” be out and proud, or skulking submissively at home?
Both! At the same time if possible! Women should be slutty when they are not ours, modest when they are, and even sluttier when they are ours and in bed. That’s the way to go.