Freepers tackle slags and erotic hoovers

The best thing about social conservative sites is their unending potential for hilarity. Because these, my friends, are people who think that everything has a hidden agenda. People who compulsively display their own sexual…issues….while ranting spittle-faced about those of others. And, nutters.

The best of the best is Free Republic. I could spend hours on this site, just laughing and laughing and laughing. Then thanking the powers that be that I don’t actually live anywhere near any of these weirdos. I am beginning to understand why Americans are all armed to the teeth. I would be too if I lived next door to someone who believed that the makers of Teletubbies were subliminally introducing babies to the concept of cumshots in order to further the homosexual agenda.

Think I’m joking, don’tcha?

I recall that robot-vacuum character – they made EXPLICIT sexual references with that. Money-shots, we’re talking… once they had it suck up some liquid that one of them spilled, and then it “got sick” and “vomited” by erupting back onto the Teletubby.

I can’t make this up, it was so obviously meant to be pornographic.

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I mean, comrades, is this not terrifying? Somewhere on this earth exists a man who can see a cute robotic vacuum cleaner performing its daily tasks on a children’s TV show for under-3s and transform it in his mind into a gay porn-fest complete with money shots. What do you suppose he sees if he watches actual porn? The mind boggles and the spirit recoils from contemplation.

(Also, I may be just a wee bit innocent, but I don’t think that’s how sex actually works. I mean, you don’t eat something in order to spill your seed, as it were. What does the first part represent? Or does he just watch more interesting porn than I do?)

But we are not finished yet.

I heard that all the sexual orientations were supposed to be represented by the Tubbies. That Po with her circle over the head was a straight female, Dipsy with his straight up in the air pointy thing on the head was the straight male. And Laa Laa, with the thing that is half a pointer and a circle too was the lesbian, and of course you have Tinky, who has the purple triangle over his head — how obvious — as the gay male.

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Wouldn’t it make more sense to have the one with the circle be the lesbian, if we surmise that the circle is supposed to represent the vagina? What’s the lesbian doing with a pointer? Is it supposed to represent a strap-on?

Or maybe this one thinks that lesbians don’t have vaginas. If lesbians didn’t have vaginas, they’d be men. And men would be lesbians, so logically there would be no gay men, as all men would fancy women. And….aaargh! No! Brain hurts! Too much Free Republic!

Next up:

I wouldn’t want my child watching this bizzare, surreal program.

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OK, this person has obviously never been a child. Children live surreality. Teletubbies is the Antiques Roadshow by comparison.

When I was a child I believed that the baby Jesus automatically made ladies pregnant at the age of 25 unless they asked him very specially not to (and they had to have a good reason, not just that they couldn’t be arsed changing nappies.) I also believed that wasps were related to dragons, that if you drank enough cups of hot water you would become a wizard, and that red Fiesta cars could put a curse on you.

So, obviously, I should have been watching Newsnight.

Last but not least, the conspiracy is unveiled!

Yes but Falwell was a Christian and the ultimate refusnik who would not submit himself to the slalags of political correctness and the wholesale homosexual indoctrination of Amerika.

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I applied the little grey cells to the vexed question of what is a “slalag of political correctness” I at first thought it might have been a misspelling of “gulag” but that doesn’t really make sense. Ye cannae submit yersel tae a gulag. Well, you don’t have the ability to make a choice. That’s like saying “Even though he was stabbed to death, he refused to be murdered.”

Slowly, as dawn broke and the first cheepings of birds were heard in the land, I came to an almost Zen-like understanding of the phrase “slalags of political correctness.” It refers not to gulags. It is a misspelling of the word “slag”.

Slags of political correctness! An upstanding Christian man like the Rev. Falwell would certainly not submit himself to a slag. And just as certainly it would take a slag to think of making a robot-hoover on a kid’s TV show represent the human penis.

These people are under siege from slags of political correctness. Their confused hormones say “yes!” to these enticing beasts, while their proud conservative hearts say “no!”. It goes a long way to explaining their extreme sexual dysfunction. You’d have disturbing erotic thoughts about kids’ TV programmes too if you were constantly being forced to submit to a slag. It’s a wonder their minds have held out as long as they have. Or maybe they haven’t.

Another day, another insight into the conservative mindset. Aren’t you lucky I read this stuff so you don’t have to?